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[ ARC forum 2 ]Written by EBT at 08 May 2004 18:08:30: Phimosis since childhood, my story
Here's my story, it's a bit long. I lived with phimosis for many years, before finally dealing with it.
I'll focus mostly on the psychological aspects.
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I had pinhole phimosis since childhood. The hole was so small that even when fully erect I could only just see the slit in the glans. I almost always sat down when I had to pee. Standing up would cause to much spraying. The hole was approx 4mm (1/6 of an inch), so balloning never occured.My first foreskin experience was in kindergarden, when I was 4 or 5 years old. One of the other boys retracted his foreskin when he was peeing. I thought it looked disgusting, something like when people turn the inside out of their eyelids. It could be done by some people, but one was not supposed to do it. It didn't occur to me that I should also be able to retract my foreskin, I never tried to retract it until much later.
Sex was not a subject of discussion in my family at all when I grew up. On the contrary, without any words being said, I kind of got the impression that sex was something that adults did, mainly to get kids, not because it was great. On the contrary, it was as if sex was 'bad'.
When I was about 13, my father cleaned up my room once when I was away. He found some pictures of naked women that I had. He removed my picures, and later told me that 'Only sick people do that'. Masturbation or any other word for it wasn't even mentioned. At that time I knew that he was wrong, but I didn't say anything. I guess that this story tells it all.When I was 10 or 11 I started masturbating. I didn't know that the foreskin was supposed to be retractable, and my condition never caused any pain. Masturbating caused some mental pain though. My knowledge of sex was very vague, and this led to all kinds of crazy ideas. E.g. in the beginning I thought that only homosexuals masturbated. I didn't really knew what it ment to be gay, only that it was something very bad.
I started to find girls interesting when I was about 12. This led me to forget the stupid idea that I was gay simply because I masturbated. That was a relief, but masturbation was still mainly a great thing that I was able to do with my body, and not about sex in the adult sense of the word.I kept the girls at a distance for two reasons. The first was that because of the 'sex is bad' thing. I didn't really belive that sex could be that bad, but childhood influence seems to get a bit stuck in your mind, even when you disagree.
The other reason was that I had started to suspect that I wasn't 'normal'. I had heard and read things that puzzled me. Was my foreskin supposed to be able to retract?? I didn't knew for sure, causing great uncertainty. When I was 14 or maybe even only when I was 15, I knew for sure that my foreskin should be retractable. It wasn't at all, I had tried without any luck. It would hurt if I tried to retract it, even when flaccid. The more I tried, the more it would hurt. I still could get erection without pain, as long as I didn't try to retract my foreskin. It concerned me, but not that much. I had read in a book that it was normal that young boys (no age mentioned!) couldn't retract their foreskin, and that it would fix itself in time. Because of that, and because of the pain when I tried to retract, I simply left the foreskin where it was, thinking that I would one day be OK.
Within a year or so, I found out that time wouldn't cure my foreskin problem. It had been a year-long process to figure such things out.I know that it might seem very strange that it took me so long to figure this out. Why did I not ask a friend? Well, I had friends, but not that close. I have always been introvert and pretty much a loner. I would read books while the other kids played ball, and I was more interested in technical stuff than in going fishing and chat. So the feeling of being different was not new to me.
So I had a problem, what on earth should I do?? Tell my parents? No way! Tell somebody else? Don't be ridiculous! Go to the doctor, who was a total stranger? That was the last thing that I wanted to do! Maybe the doctor would even tell my parents because I wasn't 18 yet...?
Not knowing if I was just one in a million also kept me away from the doctors office. What if my case was unique, and the doctor didn't knew what to do?
Doctors and hospitals was the worst of all, I dreaded them since my childhood. Almost like a fobia. Maybe this fear was caused by the fact that I was hospitalized when I was 2 years old. I was there for a week, and the doctors had told my parents not (!) to visit me. My mother later told me that when she and my father came to take me home, it was as if I didn't recognize them. I don't remember any of it, but a shrink might say that this is the explanation for my fear of doctors.
Now that I finally have had my surgery, this fear of doctors is totally gone.For a long time I had wishful thinking that my problem would suddenly go away. I would wake up one morning and everything would be perfect.
I had a medical check when I was 18, this was necessary in order to get a drivers license. I considered telling the doctor about my problem, but I simply couldn't (didn't dare).
The years until my mid-twenties was pure hell. Anxiety, frustrations, inferiority etc etc. Take the word Misery, double it a couple of times, and then add some. It was that bad.
Once I actually considered to get drunk and cut the foreskin myself! I'm glad I didn't, it would probably had gone very wrong!
I avoided women because I knew that I couldn't 'go all the way'. I also avoided men because the conversation between young men is a lot about sex and women, subjects that I had no experience with. When my lack of contribution to such conversations was noticed, some guys thought that I was gay. This really irritated me in the beginning, it made me furious. Assuming homosexuality based on no (apparent) interest in women is both stupid and vulgar. I have learned to live with such assumptions, in fact it gives me a feeling of superiority if people think I'm gay. They are the stupid ones, judging others.
I started smoking when I was 20. I was smoking 20 or more a day, just a couple of weeks after having started this filthy habit. The cigarettes calmed my restlessness and anxiety, thereby giving a feeling of even more selfcontrol. I felt it as if I had to be alert all the time. I had learned to drink a bottle of whisky and get as foolish as you get when you do that, and still have a part of me that was in control and on guard. I would leave the scene in case of 'danger', i.e. if a girl was approaching.
I smoke more than 40 a day now, but the number has decreased a bit after my surgery. I hope to quit when all this is over, i.e. when the last symptoms of the surgery is gone, thereby opening the door to a new future life.
I guess that more than 40 cigarettes a day comes pretty close to the drug addiction mentioned in the chapter 'The late initiate' on www.male-initiation.net. The same chapter also mentions that '...more commonly sufferers end up in a domina`s dungeon'. In my case, that's true in a way.
My sexual fantasies began to contain elements of bondage and sadomasochism (BDSM) at about the same age (20) as when I started to smoke. I would always be the submissive in such fantasies. In such fantasies, it was as if sex was forced upon me (even though I was willing), and that I didn't have to do anything, or be active, in order to get satisfaction. Such BDSM elements was to begin with only occasionally present in my fantasies, but soon they became necessary elements, otherwise my fantasies wouldn't be sexually stimulating.
The strange thing is that I began to play a dominant role in my BDSM fantasies right after finally having been to my doc for the first time. The BDSM fantasies started to fade away three weeks after having been to the doc, I would still be either submissive or dominant. Now such fantasies seems almost totally unimportant. I don't know if those fantasies will disappear totally or come back later, and that doesn't concern me right now. I am what I am, and that's it. There might very well be some good psychological explanations of why such fantasies build up and fade away, but I don't know of such explanations. I just know that this is how it was.The years from my mid-twenties until I was about 32 was more like an adaptation phase. This was the way life was, and there was nothing I could do about it....
Maybe repression would be a much better word than adaptation. My condition was of course always on my mind, but seeing a doc was simply out of the question. Every time I considered dealing with the problem, then I simply tried to forget about it.
I found other ways to build up confidence in myself. I got self-esteem by being good at things that I liked to do. Being among other people was no longer a big problem. I knew exactly how to be friendly, but not too friendly, with the girls. I ignored stupid remarks, and laughed at 'dirty' jokes. If a girl laghed at a dirty joke, then I would really hate her! Just for a few seconds, and then it would be over. I knew that those few seconds of pure hate was based on some kind of envy. That girl had a sex-life, and sex and girls was what I desired, but both was something that I felt was out of my reach.
What still amazes me today, is that my repression was so 'effective' that I never ever considered to search for information about my condition on the net. That thought never occurred to me! I only searched for info one week after my surgery, because my glans was very sensitive, and this seemed to surprise my doc.Now my 35th birthday lies behind me. I have loved my life the last few years even before finally seeing a doc. Feelings of inferiority had long gone, now I was just different. In a way I knew that I had to deal with my foreskin condition sooner or later. Just the thought of seeing a doc was still a nightmare, but it was nothing compared to the real frantic nightmares that I started to have a couple of years ago. The nightmares was about getting old and die, without ever having kids!
So I finally made an appointment the doc, whom I had never met before. I was a nerveous wreck when I drove to the doctors office, but it had to be done. My doc was very gentle and kind, also asking me about my job and some other stuff that had nothing to do with my condition. This was probably to keep me from falling totally apart from fear. I'm sure that I was pale and shaking. I was carefully examined, and then referred to the hospital for surgery. When I think back, it's like my memory of it is pretty clouded.
Then I drove home again. I felt as a fool and completely ridiculous. I was also full of self-pity. Years of anxiety and panic, all for nothing! My doctor treated me with kindness and understanding, I wasn't humiliated or ridiculed. My problem could easily be fixed, and I would be fine.My surgery was 16 days ago. I should be completely OK within a couple of weeks. Details of my surgery is not relevant to this story.
My parents never told me some elementary things that all parents should tell their sons. I just can't hold it against them, they too are products of their upbringings. In a way I feel sorry for them. My apparent lack of interest in girls has caused them many worries during the years.
In some strange way I'm glad that my life has turned out this way. It took me many years to feel confident in myself, but I reached that goal even before finally facing the cruel reality: That I had to see a doc.
Today I feel as if I could conquer the world. Colors are brighter, I eat more and I sleep less. I feel much more vital than ever before. Much of this is probably caused by relief, but I truly believe that a great deal of these additional reserves of energy will stay with me.So what's next? I have had a life without sex, but I certainly don't intend to start participating in wild orgies. Sure, I look forward to that very important part of life (sex, not orgies :), but love and intimacy feels much more important, simply because my adult life so far has totally lacked those things.
I'll take it easy. In the end, as long as I one day get a loving and caring girlfriend, someone that I love and cares for, and later on a couple of kids, then NOTHING ELSE REALLY MATTERS!!
---------------------------------------------Writing all this has been my attempt to make things in my mind fall into place. That process is far from completed.
Fell free to comment, or ask if something appears to be unclear.
I don't expect that one day all this will just be history. My personality has been affected by all this, so I'll never be the same as if I had been OK to begin with.
Now you may laugh at me, cry with me or whatever you choose. I just hope that this will cause those who still has a problem to get it fixed, one way or the other. Then all these hours of writing (and vocabulary lookups) have been worthwhile.EBT, Denmark
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