At the beginning of puberty when I first started masturbating I did
this in the flaccid state (ie. without erection) till ejaculation.
At night, I would half-wake from deep sleep with an erection and without
even thinking I would quell it and then go back to sleep. Erections
were possible but somehow they just didn`t interest me.
I was open enough emotionally to enjoy a number of intimate affairs
and to fall in love fairly often. And here, though penetration was
often difficult, I enjoyed every moment of intimacy. One remarkable
symptom was that no girl-friend could touch my erect penis, well, all
except one and she pulled forward on the foreskin, - when she tried
to hold the phallus I lost my erection, she was disappointed and I
had to explain, as always, "Yeah that always happens". Over the years
my sexual appetite became more amd more limited, distanced (voyeuristic)
and frustrated, and still when alone, embarrassingly, the most enjoyable
way of masturbating was in the flaccid state.
I went through several long periods of questioning my behaviour.
I generally did this from the standpoint of our cultures usual understanding
that such behavioural patterns are due to early environment and upbringing.
Psychologists confirmed this approach. I questioned every possible
situation. My behaviour was most certainly all mixed up with repressive
patterns from my parents (as could be expected in any integrated personality),
but generally I could "forgive" my parents because even if they had
supposedly undermined my sexuality they had given me enough emotional
health to build relationships, trust, fall in love and surely this
was more than most young men and should have given me ample opportunity
At 43 (In 1994) I`d questioned everything which seemed possible or
logical and decided quite rationally to consider impossible questions.
I believed my anatomical equipment was normal, as every self respecting
male believes but nevertheless, I asked the ridiculous question: could
it be anything anatomical?
During the examination of my erection I pulled back the foreskin
and it sprang forward again as it always had, I scientifically continued
to experiment - pulling back even further, and noticed first a white
ring, when I saw how the glans was being pulled at an angle I was still
unsure if this was normal! Then suddenly I remembered the first time I`d
retracted my foreskin at the beginning of puberty: first releasing
the painful adhesive layer between the glans and foreskin, then the
phimotic ring scraping over the previously unexposed glans and latching
behind the glans for a brief moment before the foreskin was catapaulted
forward by the frenulum breve - I had grasped myself in horror scared
that I had damaged my future manhood for ever. I had learnt without
any shadow of doubt, that my foreskin was not meant to be retracted.
I had adapted to love making always holding the foreskin forward
and controlling the size of my erection. (it is generally thought that
men cannot control the size of their erection, the fear of pain can
obviously exert a stronger influence). Those times when I did masturbate
with an erection, I repeatedly made quick pulls at the end of the foreskin
to keep it forward, this happened as a continuation of the forward
movement during masturbation and I was only dimly aware of the habit.
How embarrassing! - I myself felt amazed that I hadn`t discovered my curious condition
earlier - I felt like a joke figure. I was frequently asked: "Why did
it take you so long to discover?" I was stumped, it was so obvious
to me, yet so hard to explain in words : now I can explain it : the subconscious impression of pain before puberty, the conscious but
repressed experience at puberty, confirmed by every experience in adolescent
and adult life ... people avoid pain ... people develop habits.
It often takes a long time for anyone and
everyone to discover things, and this happens with lots of people in lots of different walks of life, even when
there is adequate available information ... and often the answers are obvious (e.g. the earth goes round the sun) but first, someone needed to ask the right question.
After the operation I could enjoy full erections for the first time
and my erection was 2 cm longer than previously. I masturbated only
erect and had no interest in doing it flaccid for the next six months,
long after the secondary injury.
On around the 20th. full erection an intensive pain shot through
one side of my erect penis ... Urologists had no idea what it was and
when hearing the sexual effects of my previous condition diagnosed
psychosomatic causes. The pain continued, I was traumatised and it took
several years of research to find similar cases in the medical literature
and internet. It seems a great rarity and a nerve must be ripped or
And thus I developed a second reason to get involved with the impolite
subject of male genital pain.
This is my experience: Robin Stuart - the author of this site
My original far more detailed chronological
Diary is about 10 times longer
Other Supplementary Passages - (personal