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In a word

Written by Paul B. at 27 Jul 2003 13:30:59:

As an answer to: can phimosis be the reason for lost erections written by Jay at 27 Jul 2003 09:45:56:

> I am 24 years old and every time i tried having sex with my girl friend i couldnt hold my erections. I do have phimosis, as I discovered from this site ... Can this have anything to do with it?

In summary, no.

At your age, whatever stimulation you experience of your penis, which might be ever so slightly "muted" by having your foreskin cover your glans, is definitely not critical to holding your erection.

I'm sure if you think about it carefully, you already realise this quite well, but the proof positive is to consider what happens when you masturbate. I'm quite sure that you do not lose an erection during masturbation - except of course, when you think that someone might "discover" you doing it. Nor do you fail to find it pleasurable.

And now that I say that, it should be obvious that your problem with the girlfriend, is just that - you have up till now trained yourself to visualise sex as being something you do when alone and "hide" from others. However you may rationalise it, however obvious it may be that the whole purpose of sex is to be with another, you have nevertheless trained yourself otherwise, and become "embarrassed" in her presence.

Part of this is that you are in effect, treating your sessions with your girlfriend as a "performance" - you expect to impress her with your "masculinity", "virility" - expertise in sex and such. But in fact, none of this is necessary, and she almost certainly doesn't want to be impressed.

You need - as again, you almost certainly realise or have been told already, to relax - and to treat this situation as enjoyable not for the fact that you can penetrate her, but rather for the fact that you are with her. Although you surely fail to see it just now, intercourse is an option to the relationship, a "nice little extra".

And looking at it another way, it takes practice , just like say, playing tennis - you can't expect to get the ball in court the first time. Now you may be tempted to envy others who - you assume - "got it right" the first time (and that actually includes the first few times). Don't! ... Because they almost certainly didn't "get it right" anyway. But they wouldn't like to tell you about that, of course. And if they thought they did, that may be even a more worrisome indication that they didn't.

So in summary, forget about "performance", the only "performance" that matters is that you are warm and friendly with your girlfriend, and can build up an enduring relationship. Those of us who have "been there", and some who are are nearer "the other end" where there may be actual physical factors conspiring to make erections more difficult and less certain, mostly realise that you really are in nowhere near the "hurry" you think you are.


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