[ ARC forum 2 ]

Re: Psychosexual Development

Written by Jim at 25 Jan 2002 03:12:11:

As an answer to: Re: Psychosexual Development written by Steve at 24 Jan 2002 20:33:07:

>>Steve, you really do sound like a nice guy. I see no reason why you should be worrying so much, unless there's something you aren't telling us, such as, are you really ugly, or what?
>Well, seeing as you mention it... LOL! Not classically ugly *as such* but having a nerdish and slightly angry/worried appearance, as well as being tall and thin. That's a real can of worms for me. Most strangers treat me with degrees of scorn, suspicion or violence (I'm not quite so nice then...I'm bad and I can handle myself!!). Almost everyone who knows me better has a lot of respect for me, especially older & wiser people.
>But it does mean that I don't easily make new friends, and potential g/fs are few and far between. In the past I haven't wanted to risk blowing the good friendships that I have, by taking it further, even when the attraction is mutual. (I still haven't fully rationalised what is going on when I shy away, but I know now that it has a lot to do with the uncertainty of not knowing how to perform sexually, the embarrassment, a general fear of painful sex, and a fear of talk behind my back affecting other friendships.) Can you help me rationalise it, and say which insecurities will hang around after the F.B. cure, if any?
>>Look at your relationships with the girls and women around you. Do you have female friends from school or at work? What about sisters or your mom? Are you received by them as an all right guy? If so, then you just need to continue being nice to people. Don't be afraid to ask a girl to go to a movie or just for coffee. You do have Starbucks, don't you? If not, you will. Simple little get-togethers like that can lead to more if the chemistry between you is right. You'll know when it is. The key is not jumping at the first one. Shop around. I think it's always a good idea to look closely at the mother. Her daughter will often become a duplicate of her in a few years. If you don't get along with her mother, chances are you are doomed before you get started. Why fight it?
>This is a good little tutorial, it makes dating seem very simple! My platonic relationships are fine, but I wonder also if there are whole areas of knowledge that I should have to succeed in more intimate ones. I don't get the chance to shop around, and I can't afford to blow the opportunities I do get if it means losing friends.
>>I'd recommend that you not be so concerned yet about sex. If you think that's all there is, you've been watching to much television.
>Maybe ;) Xena's great though, don't you think?
>>You'll do fine. Just start working on those exercises, continue to be nice, and it will eventually come together. It's way to early to think about a monestary!
>I wish, hehe!

I don't have a crystal ball, so there's no way for me to predict the outcome once you get your equipment in order. Just an observation tells me that you need to try harder with strangers. What are you so angry about? Deal with that first, and perhaps the rest will come together.

I don't think there is necessarily a magic key to success in dating. You just have to step out of your comfort zone and take some risks. All of life is about taking risks, isn't it? Don't worry so much about losing a relationship. If you are keen about a particular girl now, go for it. You are indicating a considerable degree of insecurity. I think it's more than a foreskin problem. Afterall, no one sees that, but you are judging yourself by what you think people do see when they look at you. Start counting up your positive attributes and perhaps you'll begin to see yourself in a different light. Work on manners, and repect for those around you. Try a new hairstyle and some new clothes. It will take some effort on your part, but you'll see the world change before you as a result.

What I first saw was someone who has great potential. You haven't been mean to me, so it's pretty obvious that you can be nice to strangers, right? You can do it, just work at it a bit.

BTW, I'm curious where in the world you are.


Answers: