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the way he likes.

Written by Paul B. at 01 Feb 2002 12:50:38:

As an answer to: Re: Kid age 2y3m - retract the way he likes. written by Jakkals at 01 Feb 2002 09:46:32:

Well, actually, my suspicion would be that if he plays with it for a few moments and learns what it feels like, then that's probably all he wants and he would be happy, and move right along to something else. Of course, the same might again apply next bath . . .

If you gave him a rubber toy, just how long would he play with that? I mean what does it do in the short term. Maybe you have an idea but really, he doesn't. To him at the age of two it's not sexual, it's just a part of you that is mostly hidden and bath-time is the only time he gets to investigate it - naturally he does so. Do you not recall him investigating your mouth. your eyes, your ears and such at an earlier age? Did these things represent moral dilemma?

Indeed, as far as sexuality goes, even his penis and the investigation thereof isn't specifically sexual. I mean he spent the first three months discovering his mouth, the next three discovering his hands, the next four or so discovering his feet, then another six what he could do with his feet to help his hands.

Somewhere later, he figures that the bit that he could only briefly get at up to now, somehow connects with the feeling that starts up before, and then embodies the nice feeling as the wee comes out, and you reward him for telling you about this by letting him get at it more to explore it so - he does. And yes as you say, it does this groovy trick of pointing out when it's getting ready to wee, or if he plays with it, or thinks about it (and that part only gets worse some time later!). And yes, it feels good to touch.

But sexual, I don't think it is at that stage. Is sexual not the "negative penis message"? You can't show it in public, you can't touch it in public, you can't use it in public, you can't talk about it in public, and more to the point, girls in particular are the worst of all to do any of these things with. That's what sexual things are all about, and that's essentially what you will teach him in time.

Perhaps I'm rambling. You may discern my overall attitude that "the more information the better". I am entirely sure that the withholding of information carries a very strong message, which is about value, and power, and privilege in inequity.

If you say to anyone, including adults, but notably children, "You can't have that!" or "You can't do that", then, granted that they know it's actually safe because they already did it with no ill effect, then you convey a message that the thing to be prohibited is in fact valuable, so valuable that you apparently want to keep it all to yourself, that it is therefore highly to be desired and that they will therefore continue to desire it, even above other more accessible things. In other word, those things prohibited, become vastly over-valued, possibly for the remainder of a lifetime!

If on the other hand you allow as free access as possible to the thing, it is experienced, understood, committed to memory and moved forward from.

It is perfectly obvious that some things being dangerous, are not negotiable but I think they mostly learn this distinction quite well along the way, and the commodity to which I refer here is primarily information.

You mention "play with yours, but leave Daddy's alone". This is but one part of a broad generalisation of possession and identity, with which he is at that age in the very middle of learning. I'm sure you realise that he is very much "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mime" in terms of behaviour and you only have to put together a couple of toddlers of this age for a few moments and you'll see it happen. It gets better over the next two or three years, but some aren't all that sure even then!


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