[ ARC forum 2 ]
Written by Paul B. at 03 Jan 2003 22:21:53: The meaning of "coming".
As an answer to: Phimosis written by Peter B. at 29 Dec 2002 09:54:50:
I did mean to respond to this before.
> i starting masturbating not long ago,
I'll tell you what. I'll bet not many of those here who actually reply to you, can actually remember back accurately to their early experiences of masturbation! I think what you describe is absolutely normal in context, that is, of only having masturbated a short time (such as - a year or two).
> but the only pleasure i get from this is when i orgasm (in other words all i get is a few seconds of pleasure)
Someone else posted on another forum, and it's quite an interesting observation, a query which was either "how did you ever learn to do it long enough to find the orgasm at the end" or "how did you know there would be an orgasm at the end". It's a pretty good question, however you put it. This is rather what masturbation is like, and particularly when you start doing it - in most cases - perhaps less so in those, and I suspect they are few, who discover it for themselves without being told/ demonstrated.
Indeed, there is a very good question - how did you learn to do it?
You really have to know what it is you are trying to do, in order to make it work. It's almost as if much of the time, you are trying to find the "right" action, the right stroke, the right place to be sensitive. Then at some point, you realise that you have done something "right" and it's starting to feel good, so you keep at that and it quite rapidly gets better and better and you realise that you are going to "come" and - it happens.
In fact, that's really why it is commonly referred to as "coming", because this describes not the ejaculation itself (where admittedly for males, something "comes" out - but terms such as "blow" or "splooge" describe this much better), but the feeling that something is (finally) happening and it is getting closer and closer as the excitement builds, like the familiar movie image of the train approaching along the view of the track. The closer it gets, the faster it seems to happen.
So, therein lies the point. If it felt that good from the start, then you would "come" almost immediately (and actually, in some circumstances, you may do just that). Otherwise it does take a while of persistent stroking to build up the necessary sensitivity before it starts to feel compelling.
As you practice it over some years, you (should) begin to change your approach to masturbation. Looking at it as you describe, you tend to regard the less dramatically pleasurable part as "work" to get to your goal, indeed, even have some anxiety about how long it takes to get to the "good bit" or even whether you will get there at all. Is this the case?
As you get more relaxed about it, you will (we hope) actually learn to approach this part with less concern and expectation. You just take it easier, less hurry, more focus not on "getting there", but enjoying every little bit of the process (and all of this all the more vital when you move on to intercourse with a woman). The more you value the simple fact that you are touching the part where your pleasurable feelings focus, the more you can appreciate the more subtle feelings it is giving you. And, the slower you take it, the better you can practice "taking it easy" when you do transition to the "I know it's coming" phase, which you can prolong by resisting the urge to keep stroking vigorously, but slow down instead.
The inability to retract your foreskin needs to be fixed by stretching. You will find the ability to fully stroke with your foreskin, an extra dimension of stimulation, but it will not alter the profile of your masturbation experience a great deal. It gives you flexibility rather than greater sensitivity (indeed, you are probably more sensitive as you presently are).