[ ARC forum 2 ]
Written by Paul B. at 11 Feb 2003 10:24:41: Pure Jealousy
As an answer to: Re: Jealousy written by anon at 10 Feb 2003 22:14:31:
I really have to agree with you there. You are indeed, suffering a living hell, and Rood really has no idea what you experience.
How could he? How could any of us who have had a "normal" emotional education in a loving family, or even close to it? How can we even begin to imagine what it would have been like to be abused as a child as you have? Sure, we "understand" it, many of us (I for one) see it weekly, if not daily, parents who are actually children themselves (and some of them even well beyond their twenties) treating their children as playground companions, competing with them, wanting love from them instead of having love to offer them, to demonstrate (model) to them.
No, I confess, I can almost visualise it, but I cannot feel it as you do. I am in fact the opposite - I have never chosen to be "anon" - a valueless piece of flotsam in the world, even though I do look out at it and am awed by its vastness. Even in my worst moments as I went through my teen years, as nearly everyone does, I still felt as if I had something to contribute, and that kept me going - still does.
Now of course, if you have read this forum, and FatherMag which is referenced from time to time, you would know that Rood actually had an un-retractable foreskin, but was foolish and ill-advised, and did something which he will forever regret - but in his case he has actually grown, as emotionally whole people do, from the injury. And in consequence, he is the best of advocates.
Your "hell", is however the inability to understand, and to learn. Perhaps in other ways, you can learn, but your dark personal past of abuse is locking your intellect out of this understanding. That's sad. Perhaps, God willing (and of course, most relevant to "hell"), you may find the Answer, the "I Am" (the One who Is) and be healed. But aside from giving you that little clue, it is beyond us to help you here.